The first Span-dangled Avenger :Captain America
by Pixiestick88
Summary: The first Avenger - Go through how Steve Rogers became the spunky spandex wearing super hero Captain America. My own Parody. MA rated. Warning this contains language/sexual content/violence/ and plenty of sticky issues. Not for the feint heart ed or easily offended.
1. Chapter 1

**The first Span-dangled Hero: Captain America**

**A heroic parody.**

**Narrator - **

We start in a recruitment office in the medical checks section. Most of the men are in their Sunday underwear, torn ripped and clearly shit stained. But in the corner wearing bright white budgie smugglers (Google it I dare you) with a boys t-shirt clearly to large for him is our hero - Steven Rogers. He is a skinny guy who looks at least 10 years younger then he is, his small frame doing nothing for him, if he turned side ways and stuck out his tongue he'd look like a zipper - So our story begins

_(Oh wait your forgot the beginning with the church - I'll get to that be patient)_

" Mr Steven Rogers" A stiff looking medical physician calls to the waiting men.

Steve gets up struggling with his child's shirt as it hangs downs to his knees, he cleverly ties it to sit above his belly button like a 90's wannabe spice girl.

The doctor goes through his medical records after a look over at the scrawny guy.

"Asthma, scoliosis,cancer, eczema, diabetes type 1, arrhythmia, chicken pox, meningitis, tonsillitis, seriously do you want me to keep going Mr Rogers? Like how the hell are you not dead?" the stiff doc asks in amazement

"Ok the scoliosis isn't real, I was just a lazy kid and suffer from round shoulders, but i'm as healthy as a horse, I swear Doc i am ready for battle."

"Sorry kid go home and wait to die, cause by the looks of this chart you wont make it till next week"

Steve mumbles under his breath as he leaves the office, "stupid fuck wit what would he no, probably got his degree out of a cereal box".

"Yo look what we have here, a pansy little boy trying to go to war" a buff looking meat head of a bloke says as Rogers walks by grabbing his clothes to get dressed.

"Bugger off tosser"

"What'd you say you little runt?"

"You heard me numb skull" Rogers snapped at the jerk.

"Listen here you little punk, the army rejected you because your a retarded little boy who has a big mouth now fuck off before I rearrange your face"

Not being one to run from bullies or dick heads Steve stood his ground replying.

"The only reason the army rejected me is cause of my fine piece of weaponry" He lifted his shirt and pushed out his hips as he revealed what he was referring to. His tighty whities where bulging at the seams, clearly his disabilities had no impact on his genitals, it was a wonder how he was still single, an impressive weapon like that would make most women moan.

He continued

"With all you douche bags over seas, someone has to keep the women satisfied and I clearly am the man for the job."

Before he could blink the meat head was punching him on in the back ally, his shit stained undies making him look even more menacing

"Yo dip shit pick on someone your own size" a deep sexy voice called from behind.

The meat head turned just in time to be kicked in his nut sack and then kneed in his gut, he tumbled over in pain crying out "mummy it hurts mummy"

James "Bucky" Barnes helped his disabled friend up handing him his jacket

"Jeez Steve are you an idiot, cover yourself up man, it looks like you got a hard on while that dickhead was pounding on you" James said

"Oh come on Bucky you no he aint my type"

Looking at him in an awkward way Bucky quickly changed the subject

"Come get dressed, i got us some dates, its my last night before I ship out tomorrow, off to the front line to kick some German ass"

Steve sighed heavily "Wish I was going with you, I just hate lil pricks who think they can stick it to the world and give em no satisfaction"

The guys rolled up at the worlds fair that night, the theme being "Back to the Future" no wait I mean "Future of tomorrow" I think, anyway the guys are walking up to their dates when Steve asks Bucky

"What'd ya tell her about me?"

"You no the usual, your sweet, romantic, cute, fun size"

"Thats it?"

"Well what else do you want me to say?" Bucky asked his tiny friend

"Hello my penis and its amazing size"

"Oh come on Steve it aint the 60's yet its still the 40's where women are teases who don't give out till marriage"

"Oh really! Didn't you hear about Debbie next door?"

"You mean the little brunette who got married 3 months ago?"

"Yea and she had a kid yesterday"

"Your point?" Bucky the sexy stud muffin asked. Clearly he lacks brains but who cares when he is so cute.

Steve rolled his eyes, how could his best friend of 10 years be such a dolt, oh well guess that's what happens when your the hot guy everyone wants.

They met their dates and omg its Clara Oswald, the impossible girl.

"Not now Dr Who"

"Did someone say Doc?"

**Narrator** - Would someone please remove Dr Who and Marty Mcdipshit Fly out of here.

Ok moving on.

So Steve ditched the cute girls and his hot Friend to try another recruiting office and lies again about his long list of disabilities, omg it says he has herpes? I thought he was still a virgin? Oh right big dick and all.

Anyway he is getting dressed when a old but nice doctor walks in, clearly his glasses indicate he is much smarter then most cereal box doctors and he has a foreign accent, he must be the real deal.

"So you vant to go to Germany to kill sum bad guys?" He asks Steve

"No sir, I just don't like dickheads, they need to be shown what a real mans weapon looks like and how to use it properly"

"I see, well Mr Rogers your in, you start training in dis morning"

* * *

Hey everyone feel free to rate or review, keep in mind this is a parody and I did rate it MA. I warned you all so no complaining about the language or sticky stuff mentioned.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2 : The Church Scene**

Ok Because I forgot this in the beginning of the first chapter here it is now.

Warning may contain Spoilers from other such stuff

Its Europe during WWII. We are in a little European village somewhere.

Inside the church the men begin to panic, the village is being invaded by Nazi's (oh maybe its Austria, no wait that was before the war, maybe Poland then)

Anyway they are all panicking, an elderly church priest summons a younger boy

_"OMG quick someone kill the priest its Walder Frey, he killed Robb and Kaitlyn Stark, quick someone stop him before he destroys the best characters ever in a hit T.V show_

So the priest aka Evil Walder Frey who should be thrown from the red keep is demanding the young boy to be quiet and no matter what don't tell the Nazi's about their secret weapon.

A German tank rolls in destroying the church which is clearly a couple hundred years old, the architect itself was beautiful, wasn't Hitler himself a wannabe architecture? He wouldn't be happy with destroying such a wonderful thing.

So they try ti find something, which we the audience think their nuts until they discover a hidden compartment in the wall and they find the wonderful amazing 'Spider Man', no wait sorry, fly spray someone.

Right we got him, he's dead ok they find a box and inside the box is another box, only this one glows and has like moving blue stuff inside, clearly magical or from another world

(Everyone thought E.T was cute but clearly aliens arnt friendly, hello they left something powerful here and knowing the kinda idiots we have in our world its like giving a bottle of beer to a bogan, he is clearly going to drink it, so the aliens basically want us to destroy ourselves or their just a dumb as we are, take your pick)

The point is the Nazis/ Hydra guys (ok we don't know their hydra yet) get the weird box who's name I cant remember or spell and that means oh no they are powerful we must stop them.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3 :Hero time**

**Narrator** - Our hero is in his army gear -actually its a Halloween costume in a kids size, the helmet clearly made of a cheap plastic, he is so dead if he wears that on the front line.

(_Oh one more thing, I haven't seen Capt America in a while and seemed to off misplaced my dvd of it so we are going off pure memory with this part)_

"Righto gentlemen my name is Peggy Carter and I will be your ..."

"Well look what we have hear lads, its a lil British lady" The loud Biff look a like says

"Oh no Biff's stolen the De Lorian and gone back to WW2" shouts Doc Brown

**_'Narrator drags Doc Brown out by his crazy white hair'_**

"Ahem moving on"

Peggy punches the douche just in time for men in black Col. Tommy Lee Jones Agent K men in black to appear, right wrong movie sorry promise the movie referencing will be cut down.

Or will it? Mwhahahahaha

So after the training does nothing to improve Steve's abilities, surprising the training didn't kill him, Dr Abraham Erskine is impressed by Steves' appendage however.

"Really Dr? That's why you want him for the experiment? I mean just because of that?" Col. Chester Phillips asks

"Ok that's my main reason but second vis he vis a trusting man, honest and kind, he vont turn into a freakish red skeleton like mine virst one did, his attributes vill make him better, perfect, drool worthy"

"Yea ok your the scientist" Col. Chester Phillips says

Steve's entering the secret lab, his Halloween army costume taken off and he is in shorts way to big for him but thanks to his awesome shaft they stay up, sort off. He is strapped to the large creepy sun tanning bed - before they caused melanoma.

"Mr Stark are you ready?" Mr Erskine asked

"Why yes, yes we are?" Drum roll

Ladies and gentlemen presenting Mr Howard Stark in a Mamma Mia Avengers number.

Mr Stark swoops in over Rogers, brushing his fingers over his small dimpled jaw as he sings to the tune of "Lay all your love on me"

_"I wasn't ready before we met,_

_ now every man I see is a potential bet_

_ And i'm possessive it isn't nice,_

_ you've hear me say flying cars is my only vice"_

"Mr Stark, the switch please, we don't need your singing right now." Dr Abraham shouts at the jazz man.

"Was just trying to keep Mr Rogers calm" Stark mumbles putting away his cane and sparkled gloves.

(Mr Stark is a huge MJ fan)

"Hmm more like creep-ed out" Steve mutters

Steve is injected with the thick serum, the tanning bed closed in on him, a few switches are flicked, the bed makes some nasty noises, a few power failures through out the city a screaming women, no wait that's Rogers and the tanning bed is placed right side up and is removed from the now...

OH MY GODS, he is gorgeous, fan girls around the world swarm to the now very sexy Steve Rogers. (Back stage at a concert a douche looking young boy cries to himself, the fan girls have found a real man, Justin Bieber is devastated by this blow and becomes a nun.)

The Dr's eyes water up with pride as he dabs a tissue near his eyes

"I'm, im a genius, it worked" Dr Erskine stammers

"Say your prayers Doctor" a creepy blonde woman in disguise shouts as she shoots him, no wait it was a guy, like I said going off memory, we'll just say a bad she-man.

Rogers chases after the She-man, after putting on a shirt first that is now to tight and shows his amazing muscles, drool want to touch.

With a little success he catches the she-man but they are suicidal (clearly they'd never heard of Lifeline) So Rogers returns upset that his friend is dead.

"Rogers your our only surviving person from the experiment so we have no choice but to scrap the "Perfect man" project and dismiss you" Col. Phillips tells the crying Rogers.

"But why Captain?" He sobs

" No its Colonel and because the scum bag hydra guys stole the rest of the serum but broke it and our Scientist friend was to paranoid to take notes on how he created it, clearly he suffered with paranoia (really what brilliant Scientist doesn't keep notes of his work and progress?) so since your the only guy I cant use you, maybe some creepy money hungry guy will exploit your good looks by making you his performing monkey in heels, getting the American public to donate to the war effort ok Captain"

"Ok I guess your right Captain"

" No your now Captain!"

"Wait i'm captain? Captain"

"No your Captain my Captain, I mean for the love of all that's good just call yourself Captain America, it will make people love you since they already saw your superhuman powers when you tried to chase down the She-man hydra guy who killed Abraham Lincoln."

"I'm sorry what now?"

"I mean Dr Erskine"

"So what do I do once I've put hope and support into the American peoples hearts?"

"Come to Germany where you can try to inspire our men when really they just want to look at show girls sexy legs, as they've been starved of any female contact for months making them chew their pillows in their sleep just imagining a beautiful curvy blonde pressed up against them in their own beds and"

"I get it Captain" Steve interrupts the Colonel who's eyes had become glazed over with a memory of a heavy set girl he met many summers ago

"No your the Captain I'm the colonel, of forget it Rogers just get out of here!"


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4 - Brains, Monkeys and Mitzy?**

Many tiresome months later and Rogers is now finally in Germany performing for the American army boys and just as the Colonel predicted they are only interested in the skimpy clad show girls, whom by today's standards are classed as fat.

Sitting by himself in a tent drawing a monkey performing sexual acts to please men, our spandex wearing sexy Captain America is sad and pensive.

"Mr Rogers fancy seeing you here?" A commanding female voice interrupts the captains thoughts

"Miss Carter" He stammers as he tries to cover his drawing

"Steve call me Peggy"

"Its all right Miss Carter, it would seem improper for me to address you that way"

"Why Steve have you become a gentlemen? What happened to the perverted little skinny boy I help train back in America?" Peggy asks rather curiously.

"I became sexier ma'am, women seem to throw themselves at my feet before they even see my weapon, its easier to just act like a gentlemen now then a horny bastard in the bedroom."

"Oh really?"

"Ok no ma'am, I've lost it, my weapon used to be large and magnificent but since the experiment its become I guess average size ma'am, I feel insecure and unable to use it now" he started sobbing

"Steve its not the size that counts, its how you use it!" Peggy casual suggests to him

"Ma'am?"

"C'mon Steve I have half an hour to spare, why don't you help me with some things in my tent"

5 minutes later a very proud looking Captain America emerges from Peggy's tent. His day is sadly down trodden again when the Colonel walks past holding a list of confirmed missing men in action.

"Captain, do you mind if I look at the list sir, I have a friend who was supposed to meet me for lunch when I arrived yesterday but never showed"

"Sure Rogers here have a check, not like this list is important or for important personnel only"

Steve is again reduced to tears as he reads his childhood friend is at the top of the list, the Col. confirms that many of the men where taken to a Nazi camp not far from where their own men where staying.

(Well if your going to stake out so close to enemy lines its no wonder they got captured)

Steve determined not to perform any more shows and wanting to prove his worth he straps on a bra and a helmet and goes to the Nazi camp.

Just at that moment Peggy walks out of her tent with a lit cigarette in hand.

"You just going to let him go sir?" She asks the Col.

Well I couldn't exactly stop him you see the serum didn't just make him super strong, the doctor kinda accidentally mixed in a few female hormones, so think of the hulk during that time of month.

"Hmm I thought he cried a bit to much for a guy having sex" Peggy muttered after she drew on the ciggie.

So back at the Nazi/Hydra base where Steve has snuck in and is trying to release the prisoners, there's a British guy, a few American soldiers, maybe an Italian and a french men, not sure and wait its Short Round.

"Indie save me"

?

_"Narrator lets this one slide, short round is to cute to be yelled at look at him, speaking of which anyone else seen it? I like it, not love it but its ok for an 80's action flick, ohhhh remember the monkey brains? Don't they look delicious. Anyone tried frozen monkey brains? _

Oh right sorry Captain America.

So were where we? Steve in his amazingly tight spandex suit finds his best pal and major hottie Bucky tied up on a doctors bed?

"Wow didn't know you where into that Bucky?" Steve asks his friend

"What are you talking bout Steve? Bucky manages to say through gasps of air

"The kinky stuff, I mean I wont judge but um just be careful, I've known some guys who have had some bad experiences with that shit"

"Shut up Steve they where experimenting on me"

"Wait you mean your confused? You are thinking you prefer men? Cause I am totally cool with that, you know I might be a little confused myself" Steve says suggestively as he trails a finger down Buckys arm

"What No Steve focus, we need to escape wait what? You think your gay?" Bucky tells him as he gets off the bed he then continues on

"Wait, weren't you shorter? I swear you where shorter?"

"You've just had to many drugs, your confused just like you thought I said a moment ago I'm confused, its ok its just the drugs, now lets go" Steve says to his drugged up friend

So they escape the horrific camp but not before encountering creepy Red Skeleton. We find out he was Doctor Erskine's first experiment and man did that go wrong, when he isn't the red skeleton guy he's dressing up at night as a female, singing to famous women's songs

"Mamma Mia, here I go again, my my" Red Skeleton sings as he dances around the burning building

"Ohhh I know this one" Mr Stark appears out of no where

"My My how could I of let you go" Stark joins in

"OMG I love Abba! Mitzy! and glad to see your not wearing green " Shouts Aldrich Killian

_Narrator "Face palms!" Killian what the hell?, we haven't even told the first Iron Man story yet let alone 3, get out of here and take Mr Stark with you"_

"The names Felicia" Shouts back Killian as Stark joins hands with him walking off.

"You don't turn into one of them? Do you? Buckys asks Steve cautiously

"Man I hope not, can you imagine me in sequins? It would do nothing for my figure" Steve replies.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5 - Why him? Oh and The End**

Bucky Barnes, the mixed ethnic team and Captain America all return back to camp. There they become a secret operative team to stop Hydra and foil any of their future plans to dominate the world. Oh and Stark makes a fancy shield for Captain America which is made of some rare metal, its indestructible like its owner, what a coincidence right? I mean how many rare metals are in the world like that? And we just happen to give it to the sexy guy dressed in spandex cause he Likes it! While we are at it give him a Rolex, oh and an Audi and a mansion.

Now we can talk about how one operation happens on a train with Red Skulls own creepy doctor and even though they capture him, they still loose Bucky who falls off the train right at the moments its near a mountain cliff. Like that happens all the time, the good guys best friend seems to always die or fall off a train right near a cliff edge or water fall or bridge.

Anyway he falls, and (OMG SPOILER ALERT) we totally no he's ok because remember back in the prison camp he was tied up and experimented on? No not the Charlie Sheen experiment way. Well if you lot didn't figure it out from that then its totally obvious in Winter Solider, I totally knew and I don't even read the comics. So I wasn't that upset when sexy Bucky fell off the train

(Flashback -2011 - Narrator is watching Captain America for the first time in a crowded cinema. The tissues are pilling up on the floor as the narrator uses another one, the tears still flowing from their eyes devastated at Bucky's death)

"Cough, Umm ok whatever, like look at Steve crying in the corner like a baby, and he can't even get drunk because of his new powers, man that must suck, we should be crying for Steve for being unable to ever get plasted.

Now this is where my mind is fuzzy so we are going to assume (No it wasn't the wine) -

A magical bunch of Hippos located the final whereabouts of Red Skulls Main head office and using their friends the flying Giraffes the entire crew including Pretty Penny and the Colonel end up their with Captain America.

They kick ass as usual. Red skeleton/skull whoever is trying to escape on a seriously pimped out airplane Like really? Its the 40's. How on earth did he afford or manage to build such a plane? Like its better then my own room. It looks more futuristic then the Enterprise.

So Captain America and Red Skull are fighting over the cube glowing box Asgard thingy. Red Skull is some how vaporized with the box's powers. (Although not mentioned yet I think he was secretly transported to another world/dimension)

The sophisticated plane is headed right for New York, I think so Steve being the smarty pants lands the thing in the ocean to prevent any casualties. He says good bye to his comrades over a communications device way to clear for something from the 40's.

"Steve if you do this you might not survive!" Peggy says desperately to the Captain

"No I wont, I'm invincible, I will survive" Steve replies

_"Don't you dare make a sound - The Narrator says pointing at Hugo Weaving, Howard Stark and Guy Pearce"_

" I promise I will return and we can have another"

"Another what Steve? Another finishing what we started?" Peggy asks

"No I meant another 5 minutes of heaven, and many many more 5 minutes" He replies happily

"Yea sorry Steve this might be a bad time but maybe we should see other people" Peggy says

"What?" Steve asks upset, the ship crashing into the sea at that very moment.

So some time later they uncover the plane, the glowing box and Steve who is in a weird frozen coma. (Howard Stark wasn't just a MJ fan, he really did care for Steve, maybe its cause he secretly liked him and would go on to never find another man like him)

Our hero stirs in his hospital bed, listening to the radio announcement of a baseball game. This isn't right, he attended that game with his father. How was that supposed to be live.

A pretty women walks in, clearly a distraction.

"Whats going on? Where am I? "Steve demands of the women

"Not where Mr Rogers, but when!"

_"Can anyone say douchiest time travel thing to say"_

"You lost me, your cute and all but this is way to creepy for my pretty boy mind to handle so I'm gonna act like a crazy person and burst outta here"

Steve runs through the building and walls, he really needs to be more careful, building wont stay up without the walls to support them.

He stops in the middle of a busy over crowded crossroads, I think its time square, or New York. (clearly I aint from America and have no clue of the place)

A tall dark stranger appears before Steve, an eye patch over one of his eyes, he is covered in black clothing. His swagger cooler then Kayne West.

"Mr Rogers, you've been asleep for over 60 years, I think we need to talk.

And roll credits.

Captain America would like to thank all participating characters. And would like to add any comments made or suggesting that Steve Rogers is anyway gay is entirely not true, his views on it are clearly fine and has no issue with that sort of lifestyle but would like to make it very clear he is not Gay! At All!

(Psst, someone help he's using his shield as a knife against my throat)

* * *

Guys feel free to send a review, this is my first attempt at humor or parody's. If you like it I will continue and maybe attempt the other Avenger movies, then again I might just do them for the sake of it mwhahaha


End file.
